Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Deviant Josiah Thomas22/Male/Canada Recent Activity
Deviant for 7 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 109 Deviations 7,942 Comments 25,982 Pageviews

Newest Deviations



Mature Content

or, enter your birth date.



Please enter a valid date format (mm-dd-yyyy)
Please confirm you have reviewed DeviantArt's Terms of Service below.
* We do not retain your date-of-birth information.
I hate you.

I hate everything about you.

I hate just the though of you because it does nothing but bring me pain.
I feel nothing but regret and resentment thinking of you.

I hate you for hurting me.
I hate you for not being the person I though you would be, that you said you would be.
I hate how you never tried as hard for me as i did for you.
I hate how when I finally gave up, you didn't fight it.
I hate all your broken promises and your failures.

I hate your smile.
I hate your name.
I hate that every night I still think of you. Every, fucking, night.
I hate that I can't let go of you.

I hate that I'm still broke after all this time after you.
I hate how I've changed, how I've become so bitter and cynical. and cruel.
I hate how I'm not the least bit happy or excited for my birthday, or anything anymore.

I hate that when I think of my future kids you're still in the fucking picture.
I hate that you did this to me.
I hate that you made me hate you.

God dammit I just want to forget you.
and the future we will never have together.

But most of all. I hate that I still love you too much to tell you any of this.

I hope you never see this, and that I never see you again.

I hate you.
... surprisingly I don't feel better
I just feel.. directionless, I guess.

For all these years this relationship was my cornerstone. No matter what else happened, no matter what went wrong, no matter how many plans failed, She was still there. My future with her was still there.

I may not have know how I was gonna get there but I knew where I wanted to be in life. I knew I wanted to be with her, to live and grow old with her. To travel the world and have kids and own a house with her.

Now... even if the emotional pain is subsiding (slowly, barely, but still)... I'm just lost.

I don't have my cornerstone. I lost the one thing that I was defining the rest of my life, all of my goals and dreams through. I feel like I've lost all control over my life (or what little i had to begin with) and now I'm just falling, waiting to see where I'll land, and trying to guess how many bones I'll break when i do.
How do you feel?
I'm sure most of us have felt like this at one point or another. You're welcome to share your stories in the comments.
You know, I was always the kind of girl who went with the flow. As far back as I can remember I've never had anything I was really looking forward to. I lived life day by day and if it was good I was happy, but I never had anything I wanted.

I know, sounds like the ultimate first world problem. But it's not like there wasn't anything I could want, just nothing I did want. I was never excited about maybe going to Disney land when I was a kid because I really really wanted to. I can't remember ever looking forward to my birthday or Christmas. I was happy when the days came but didn't miss them or particularly look forward to them again when they had gone. Things didn't change when I grew up. I did well in school because it's what my parents wanted, but I didn't really have any drive. I didn't really notice it until junior year when a guidance counselor asked me one really obvious question. 'what was my dream?'

I had honestly never thought of it.

It was like suddenly becoming self aware and it confused me. I came to the realization that I didn't have a dream, that I had no particular motivation to move in any direction in my life. I decided that I was probably too young to have a real dream and didn't think about it anymore. I went through high-school like that and the next few years afterwards too.

When I was almost out of college I was in the same spot though. I had done well in my business class but only because it was a versatile diploma I could apply in plenty of job applications. It was just useful, I didn't particularly want it, or have a plan for what I would do with it when I had it. I started becoming worried.

Around me I was surrounded with people making the decisions that would cement the rest of their lives and I was still blazee as ever. I realized I was basically just existing, like a rock or grass, and it started getting to me.

Thankfully it was around that time that I met James. Just as I was starting to let the darkness in and feel like something was wrong with me, he came in and brought light in my days and made me feel pretty. I enjoyed the days I spent with him enough to forget my worries, and without realizing it I just let myself get back in the flow of things. But I was happy.

Then James proposed, two years later, and I was hit with a whiplash of emotions. At first I was elated beyond words that he had asked. And then I crushingly realized that I hadn't once looked forward to this moment. He had asked a question that had made me so happy, and not once before was I excited at the thought of that day coming. I knew something was wrong with me and I started crying before I could say anything.

Poor man, I think I almost made him cry for the moments he thought I was going to say no. I told him after that I had cried from joy, which was half true at least. I just never told him the other half.

We got married, and for the first time I started hiding things from him. I never shared with him how broken I felt inside, I don't know why. It wasn't that I didn't rust him, just... I think it just didn't fit with the part of the happy newlywed wife I wanted to be for him. So when we were together I was in heaven, but when I was alone it was always a dark place for me.


I've never told this to anyone but I almost tried to end it once.

I had gotten tired of feeling broken when I had a happy life and couldn't think to ask for more even if I could. I was tired of lying to James and the guilt that came with it. In what I guess must have been a morbid sense of humor, I decided to write out a seven-day itinerary for myself and follow it to the letter. And the seventh day I would buy a bottle of pain medication, and I would take it, and I would go to sleep and not wake up. I was on day three when I learned I was pregnant.

Suddenly the itinerary didn't matter anymore, this wasn't just my choice to make now. I told James, and he was happier than when I'd said yes to his proposal. I knew I couldn't do this to him anymore, so I just accepted what was happening. I was broken inside, and for the sake of the people who were more important than me, I was just going to have to live with that.

I went through the pregnancy fine, not a single complication. Me and James bought a bigger house. We read every parenting book on every shelf in every book store in the city. We got ready, because he was getting ready. Then the day came and I was ready. They rushed me to the hospital when my water broke and by the time everything was said and done thirteen hours had passed. I was crying my eyes out harder than I had ever done before, James was looking into his camera, and my baby resting in my arms for the first time. I lied to James about why I cried that day too.

In that video he took, and I never let him show it to anybody, it starts with me getting my new baby handed to me. And when I look down for the first time I'm speechless, and I just stare quietly for a few seconds. And then i talk to James without looking away. And without even thinking I say things like "She has your eyes" and "I think that's my mother's nose", and "I'm sure she'll love sports like her daddy"... and "I'm going to teach her how to dance"...

And it's when I realized what I was saying that I stopped. And I looked down at you, wrapped in a soft blanket in my arms, and I knew. I knew it when I saw you: what it is I had always waned, why I never had any aspirations for myself. And I thought:


It's you

you're my dream."

And that's when the tears came.
Isn't It Obvious? pt.1
Inspired by this work… (thumbs were not working)

by my good friend :iconweirdandlovely:

No promises on wen the next parts will come out but i will update when they do.



Phoenix-God-of-Fire's Profile Picture
Josiah Thomas
Current Residence: Moncton, NB
Favourite genre of music: rap, hip-hop, rock, techno.... anything but country really.
Favourite photographer: Louise Poirier
Favourite style of art: anime
Skin of choice: wtf?
Favourite cartoon character: i'd say wako warner but then i'd be to much like herofantasy
Personal Quote: FIRE RULZ
seems lately that's all i wite journals about. But whatever, every little bit helps right?

anyways, as some of you undoubtedly know already, the sphincters up at Google HQ have blocked all user comments and replies from everyone who refuses to change their user name to their real name, and does not have their youtbe account 'intergraded' with a google+ account. Yep, they really went there.

I trust i dont need to tell you guys what a massive amount of bovine fecal matter this is, so here's a link to a petition you can sign in order to make it known that you want this idiocy to end and have thinsg go back to the way they were.…

Make some noise people, stay focused, but get angry and get loud. These fuckers clearly don't respect us anymore, so let's make 'em fear us.
  • Mood: Not Impressed
  • Listening to: nujabes
  • Playing: mass effect 3

AdCast - Ads from the Community


Add a Comment:
WeirdAndLovely Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:tighthug; Thanks for the fav on my face, pervert. ;P
Phoenix-God-of-Fire Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015
lol, your face is always favworthy ^_^ :tighthug:
WeirdAndLovely Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:blush: :smooch:
RGUS Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Same old stuff time and time again... get real... get original.
Phoenix-God-of-Fire Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014
*chuckles* can I help you?
DeathByTeaCozy Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014
Oh, And I've forgotten to wish you a quick recovery. Being sick like that sucks, especially when you're working towards an important goal. Hope you get better soon.Hug 
Phoenix-God-of-Fire Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014
*hugs* hnaks love. I actualy feel a lot better already. good thing about having a strong immune system is even when i do get sick it doesn't usually last very long ^_^
DeathByTeaCozy Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
Glad to hear it ^_^
You're lucky, whenever I'm ill it lingers on. I still can't eat normally after that thing I had 3 weeks ago. My troat is completely destroyed. You could just shrug that off like an old coat, couldn't you ;)  Who says superpowers belong in comics, you seem to have very useful one.
Phoenix-God-of-Fire Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
*must... resist.... perverted.... throat joke....*

lol, and that may be but i sure as hell didn't feel like a superpower when i was younger and never got to miss school for sick days.
(1 Reply)
DeathByTeaCozy Featured By Owner May 23, 2014
Tried sending you a link, think it got messed up. Here it is again, the ad you wanted to see:…
Add a Comment: